It seems to be appropriate week to write about women and the family business, given the high profile of women in politics this past week (Hillary Rodham Clinton’s eloquent speech at the Democratic National Convention, and the selection of Governor Sarah Palin as the Republican vice presidential candidate).

Six female authors have recently published A Women’s Place . . . The Crucial Roles of Women in Family Business. Five of the authors are directly involved in family-owned businesses and all of them are consultants with The Family Business Consulting Group, Inc. In the introduction, they indicate the book is not only for women in business, but for family businesses in general (many of whom may need to rethink their positions on women in the business), and for family business advisors.

In one of the first chapters of the book, they list a variety of roles women typically embrace in business-related families. The list, in and of itself, is insightful and causes pause for reflection on the variety of roles women hold (like men, many are held simultaneously):

Business Founder. Financier. Owner / Shareholder. Co-president. Emergency leader. Back room support. Innovator. Advisor and confidante. Nurturer of the next generation of leaders. Family business board member. Board Chair. A groomed CEO or senior executive. Family leader. Family foundation leader. Individual philanthropist. Ambassador. Employee. Mentor. Family historian. Steward.

As consultants, the authors share some themes they are seeing among family-owned businesses:

• More and more women are working in their families’ businesses
• Women seem to have more work experience before they have children
• Given increasing longevity, there are more work-related years available after children are raised.
• There are more daughters partnering with their fathers and mothers in business.
• The movement toward more service economy businesses appears to make business more amenable to women.

The authors suggest a number of steps to family businesses for helping young women prepare for significant roles in their family’s business. I found a number of them to be wise words to heed:

a) Start early. Regardless of gender, family members need to be exposed to the real workings of the family business early in life, and in multiple ways across the years.

b) Don’t leave the girls out. Think about it. If a family business disqualifies women from leadership, they may be reducing 50% (or more, depending on the family makeup) of potential future family leaders.

c) Avoid creating an environment where are the role models are male. Great point – if all the mentors are male, it makes visualizing oneself in and identifying with the role model more difficult.

I have been fortunate to work with a number of women in family businesses, and like the list above, they serve in a variety of roles:

*owner and CEO of a manufacturing business
*co-founder and principal researcher in a high tech firm
*VP of marketing and business partner with their spouse
*business owner of a professional services firm
*co-chair and leader of the family foundation
*individual philanthropist and change agent
*Board officer and confidante
*mentor to other women in philanthropy
*family leader.

One theme I have observed in this collective group of female leaders is the inner strength that each of them has. Having been raised in a more traditional Midwestern family, in which the business side of the family was patriarchal, it has been an interesting experience for me to see how women often lead very differently from the traditional male entrepreneurial stereotype – and how effective their leadership is.

I am looking forward to learning more as I complete A Woman’s Place . . . , (there is an chapter on Work/Life Balance that looks interesting) but even more so, I am eager to learn how to lead (if it is possible for a guy) like many of the woman I see – effectively, decisively, but with more attention and focus on the human side of business.

I didn’t write an entry last week because I couldn’t really think of much to say. Nothing profound or new (not that my entries are typically profound.) So I decided to “think on it”.

This week, I don’t necessary have anything new (again), but I have been thinking about those situations when you don’t have much to say — and what you should do.

First, some context for those of you who don’t know me well. Historically, I have been quite outgoing, social, and rarely, if ever, at a loss for words. In the past (and still in some situations) I have been one of those people who willingly fills the void if there is any dead air space. Age, life experience (including times of making a fool of myself by talking too much) and the amount of social interaction in my work — all have caused me to slow down a bit and not be so socially hyper.

In fact, an adult friend of mine gave me some advice when I went away to college. He told me, “Paul, you are the kind of person who will jump in to every activity available, get over-involved, and burn yourself out — because you want people to like you. What you need to do is sit back for the first semester, shut up, and just watch what is going on. Then you can see what you want to get involved in and make some good choices.” Believe it or not, I attempted to follow his advice. And it was an interesting experience for me. Rather than be Mr. Outgoing, I actually took on the role of “the quiet guy” in new situations. And I watched other people make fools of themselves — and saw what I must have looked like to others.

Since then, I now “pick and choose” — sometimes I am my fun-loving, outgoing self, while other times I tend to be the “sit back and observe” guy. I actually enjoy the ability to choose which role I will take.

Here are some observations I have made, and some lessons learned.

• If you don’t have anything to say, don’t. There is an old saying which applies: “Even a fool seems wise if he doesn’t open up his mouth.” It reminds me of the movie from the 70’s “Being There” in which Peter Sellers stars as a not very bright (and even strange guy). He was primarily a gardener and butler and didn’t say much. But he would occasional utter an obtuse saying or metaphor, that others would view as quite “deep”, and he continually kept being put into higher levels of responsibility — largely because he didn’t say much.
• If you are not sure what to say, wait — leave some silence for others to speak. Many people who are more introverted need more “space” in which to engage in conversation. They need some time to process what they have heard, gather their thoughts, formulate a response, and then gather the courage to share their thoughts. Those of us who are motor-mouths go at such a fast pace in conversations (especially in small groups), that many quieter people don’t say much because there is not enough space for them in the conversation to enter in.
• Ask questions of others. The truth is: most people like to share about themselves — what they have been doing, what they are thinking about, experiences they have had. And all they need is someone to show some interest and ask them “What’s been going on?” and they are ready to share. I actually have found I get deeper and more meaningful responses when I ask different questions, like: “What is new in your life?” “What have you been learning lately?” “What’s going on that I don’t know about?” These seem to bypass the traditional small-talk responses (”Nothing.” “Not much.” “I don’t know. What about you?”)
• Sometimes “I don’t know what to say” is the most appropriate thing to say. There are difficult or awkward situations that arise occasionally, where it is really hard to know how to respond. Surprising news or decisions made, recent serious medical diagnoses or personal tragedies, or just awkward statements by others — all can put us in a position of wanting to say something but not to say something that might offend or seem inappropriate. I have found if I say “I don’t know what to say” they will continue on, give more information, and allow me time to figure out what an appropriate response is.
• If you don’t have anything to say, and you find yourself talking — stop. Okay. Sounds good.

Have a good week!

August in the Midwest is usually the “dog days of summer” — hot, intense sun, and humid.  It is uncomfortable and physically draining.  But we have had some unusual weather this past week — cool and rainy. Three solid days of rain, in fact, in a time of year that we don’t expect it.

So, as a result, I’ve had the opportunity to reflect on rainy days, how they represent other aspects of our lives, and what we can learn from them.

We are not in control of everything. There are obviously aspects of our lives that we do not control. Weather is one. Global economic forces is another. Random events of nature and the choices that others make are two others. Rainy days can help remind us of this reality.

Learning to flex with changes in circumstances is healthy. When circumstances change in our lives, we have a choice of how to respond. We can complain, get angry and frustrated. Or we can say — “okay, what do we do now?” and develop a replacement plan.

“Rainy days” (and other circumstances) give us an opportunity to slow down and rest. Many of us live at a fast pace, even overbooked. Rainy days, canceled appointments, and other events that disrupt our schedules can “force” us to slow down. And for some reason (I think it has to do with barometric pressure) rainy days are great for taking naps. Sometimes it may be better to slow down and enjoy the interruption, rather than scurry around and try to repack your schedule.

“Saving for a rainy day” is a wise thing to do. The adage that we should “save for a rainy day” came from the time when people were largely living hand-to-mouth, getting paid for a day’s work at the end of the day. However, if it was raining, they would not be needed in the fields to work; so they would not earn any money — which was often needed for food for the following day. The same principle can occur in today’s economy. Work to be done, sales orders, accounts receivable — can all go away. And if you or your business is living close to the edge, the loss of income can put you at risk. It’s best to not spend (or even reinvest) all of your income, assuming it will always be there; rather, save some for your life’s version of a rainy day.

Use the time and space to do other things that need to be done — specifically, maintenance and clean up. I remember when growing up that rainy (or cold, icy) days were a great time to go downstairs to the basement in our “working area” (where we had tools and wood projects) and clean it up. Similarly, when we have breaks in our schedule, it can be an opportunity to do some cleaning or maintenance activities (filing, lower priority emails, reading through the pile of professional magazines on your credenza) that we usually don’t get to.

If none of these responses fit, maybe you should just go outside and play in the rain. Experience it. Enjoy it. And leave the work for another day.

Endurance. Perseverance. Persistence. Patience. They are words I hear a lot when individuals who are successful in their field describe how or why they succeeded.

And yet perseverance is not a word nor a concept that we are especially drawn to. It is almost one of those characteristics that we look back on and view positively, but not one that leadership speakers frequently preach to us.

The definition is interesting to me.

“Perseverance: Steady persistence in adhering to a course of action, a belief, or a purpose; steadfastness.” Perseverance is not just blind repetitive action — doing the same thing over and over. It is tied directly to a goal, belief or purpose. We persist because we believe it is the right thing to do, or because we hope persevering will help us attain the goal we desire.

As Henry Ward Beecher differentiated, “The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won’t.” In other words, perseverance is goal directed and a positive attempt to achieve.

Another aspect of perseverance is that it is “daily”. Persisting on a task is not flashy nor exciting. It is both the action and result of doing the daily grind — whether that is getting up and exercising; the everyday housework tasks of laundry, dishes, cleaning up, and keeping the house running; or those tasks that make up your “job”. It is doing those daily menial tasks that make the difference between getting the job done and just thinking about it.

Dale Carnegie spoke to this aspect of perseverance:

“Don’t be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.”

Besides being goal-directed and daily, perseverance also relates to challenges and difficulties encountered. We don’t usually recount: “Yea, I persevered through the flat terrain; the cool, dry but sunny weather; and the course that was on a really smooth track.” No, perseverance has to do with persisting and enduring through difficulties. Those difficulties may be external obstacles, they may be unrealized dreams (that is, you did x, y and z and you still haven’t reached your goal), or they may be the result of weaknesses you personally have or in your plan.

Ralph Waldo Emerson proclaimed:

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.”

I think is it is interesting (and important) to look at the opposite side — what does “not persevering” look like? Giving up. Becoming weary. Losing heart. Not continuing. And sometimes — complaining, blaming, and making excuses.

I just read a fascinating book this week, recommended by my father-in-law, The War Journal of Major Damon “Rocky” Gause, about a soldier who escaped from the Japanese in the Philippines and through perseverance, luck, the help of others, and the grace of God sailed with one other companion all the way to Austrailia. What impressed me from his story was he just kept going — problem-solving, waiting when necessary, and never giving up on his goal. Never in his journal did I pick up a tone of fatalism, blaming others or making excuses for the numerous bad circumstances he encountered.

So what does this all mean to us?

First, I think a fact of life that helps us persist through difficulties is to accept that there will be difficulties. Things will go wrong. We will experience obstacles and roadblocks. Some people will be against us. Okay. So … let’s keep going.

Secondly, it seems that persevering is easier when accompanied by others — but the “right” others. Stay away from complainers. Don’t hang out with those who consistently blame others or make excuses for repeatedly not reaching their goals. They will only become weights around your neck. Conversely, find others who are like-minded, who have similar passions and goals, and who already demonstrate the daily discipline of persisting. These are the people you want on your team.

And, maybe there are a couple of other things. Re-evaluate your goals — do you really want to reach them? Re-assess your plan — is it realistic? And read about others who have persevered through great difficulties to reach their goals as an encouragement for you to hang in there.

Have a great week — and hang in there!

Recently, my wife and I have had a couple of experiences together on which we both commented to one another.

One experience was actually two separate events that were similar and which occurred close together. As a family, we enjoy music and frequently go to music events of various kinds — concerts by professionals, school concerts, musical theatre productions, and free community events (e.g. concerts in a park). This summer we had the opportunity to go to a couple of professional productions and were able to take along some younger friends of ours and our family. The evenings went well and we drove everyone to and from the events. Now, we don’t invite or take others along in order to be thought well of, to receive praise, or to be viewed as magnaminous — we like to share the opportunity with friends who will enjoy the event but may not be able to go regularly. But both Kathy and I were struck by the apparent lack of appreciation (or at least, the lack of communicated appreciation) by the young friends who went with us. There was a casual, “Thanks!” as they got out and shut the door, along with a “See you tomorrow!”

This is in sharp contrast to another experience we had recently. A group of young single adults asked us to have a party at our place (we were pleased they felt comfortable to ask us) — and so we had a combination “hang out”, croquet, volleyball and outdoor movie night (we hung a cord between trees and hung a sheet as our movie screen). The evening turned out to be a lot of fun and we didn’t do much — they did most of the setup and all of the clean-up. So it was really no big deal for Kathy and I — it wasn’t costly in time or other resources. But the continual, repeated thanks we received from numerous members of the group has been almost overwhelming. Not only that night, but several times since, a number of individuals have gone out of their way to express appreciation to us. Again, we didn’t host the party in order to “look good”, or receive kudo’s. But the thankfulness and gratitude was encouraging to us — and in stark contrast to our other experiences.

Now the first group of individuals may be appreciative but as G.B. Stern has said, “Silent gratitude isn’t much use to anyone.” And I found an Estonian proverb (do you know where Estonia is?) that states: “Who does not thank for little will not thank for much.”

As I work with financially successful families, one of the repetitive concerns voiced by the senior generation is that they don’t want their children or grandchildren to develop an attitude of entitlement. And I can honestly say that the amount of wealth a family has is not the best predictor of the next generation’s attitude — either of gratitude or entitlement. I work with some extremely wealthy ($50M and above) whose children are grateful for the little (and big) things their parents do for them (I know some young adults in families in the same range of wealth that don’t seem to have a clue about being thankful.) And I have worked with children, teens and young adults of a wide range of socioeconomic status who consistently whine, seem to always want more, and who do not seem to appreciate the sacrifices their parents (or grandparents) make for them. Sadly, this latter group also seems to have a hard time enjoying life.

So the point?

First, it never hurts to be reminded to not only be thankful for all the good things in our lives, but also to communicate thanks to others. There probably is a point where you can be overly grateful, but most of us are a long ways from that point.

Secondly, if you are a parent (even of young adult children), I would encourage you to reaffirm the importance of communicating appreciation to those who do something or give something to us. This can be done in many ways — a phone call, a hand-written note, an email, a “thanks for ..” the next time you see the person. And, as a parent, you may need to help structure the action (help them find a time and place to actually “do it”).

I know Kathy and I have been encouraged by some simple “thanks” this week. Hopefully, we can send a wave of encouragement to others in our lives, as well.

I have observed a common pattern across many areas that I work (and live) — people avoiding dealing with tense or conflictual situations in their relationships with others. And almost always, not dealing with the situation creates additional problems or makes the conflict larger and more intense (often involving more people than were originally involved).

And it happens it lots of settings:

• in family businesses, between family members working together
• in office settings, between coworkers who can’t get a long
• in marriages, between spouses
• in extended families, between parents-in-law and their children’s spouse
• in schools, between teachers and parents of the students
• in wealthy families, between siblings who are inheriting wealth
• and on and on.

Now, I am not going to try to address all the issues relevant to conflict in relationships, that would require a book (or two). But let’s look at some core concepts.

First, why do people often try to avoid conflict? I think there are lots of potential reasons, but let’s identify a few.

1. Many people do not like emotionally-charged situations, and they feel if they raise the issue underlying the conflict, emotions will get out of control.
2. Most people don’t like others to act or communicate in an angry way towards them, and will almost anything to avoid this type of interchange.
3. Some individuals believe that, in conflict, someone must either “be wrong” or have done something wrong, and they don’t want to be accused of this.
4. Most of us, when we have done something wrong, don’t like admitting it or apologizing for our error.

The problem is — not dealing with conflict in a situation doesn’t make it go away. In fact, frequently, things get worse. When there is tension between two people, or when there is a relational break (that is, the two people are not communicating much at all, if any) — not dealing with the issue creates additional problems, including:

• Others notice the tension and it makes them feel uncomfortable.
• Communication between the two individuals becomes minimal and ineffective.
• Other people get pulled into the conflict, and often begin to “take sides”.
• The people involved in the conflict experience a lot more emotional tension in their lives, with their emotions “building up”, and often spilling over into other areas of their lives.
• The relationship becomes more and more distant, sometimes to the point of total cut-off between the two parties.

Now, I am not suggesting, that if you are in the midst of a conflict in one of your relationships, you should run out and “deal with it”. Why? Because most people who have the habit of avoiding conflict don’t have very good success at resolving conflictual situations on their own — they don’t haven’t been practicing how to deal with conflict in their daily lives (we all have it, you know), they have misbeliefs about what should be done (”we just need to sit down and talk it out”), and they may not have the skills to deal with the situation effectively.

So what should you do?

First, take stock of your relationships and see if there are any that currently have significant tension or conflict that is getting in the way. Admit to yourself that there is a relationship that needs attention.

Second, observe how the tension in your relationship is affecting your life and those around you. For you to seriously consider dealing with the situation, you are probably going to need to be convinced that the conflict is creating problems in your life. You may want to ask those close to you in the situation (coworkers, family members) how the tension affects them (don’t ask it in a way where you are looking for support for your position in the conflict).

If possible, seek some help from someone who can help you deal with the conflict in the relationship in a positive way. Get some counsel from someone you admire and observe that they seem to be able to address relational tensions in their lives in a healthy way. Sometimes it may be beneficial to talk to a professional counselor, business coach, or facilitator — to help you and the other person meet together to resolve the issues creating the conflict.

Do some reading that can help you grow in dealing with conflicts in your life. Whatever the conflict you are currently experiencing, if you are a habitual “conflict avoider”, be assured this will not be the last difficult relational situation you have to deal with — there will be more. So it would be wise to start to grow in your ability to deal with tensions in relationships in a healthy way. There is a great book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most that a number of my clients have found to be quite helpful in guiding them through tough conversations they needed to have with someone in their life. Additionally, Lewis Smedes has written an excellent book, The Art of Forgiving, that is also extremely helpful.

I have conflict in relationships in my life (just ask those close to me), and I am still learning how to deal with those tensions in a healthier manner — I think we all can. Let’s just commit together to not let tensions in relationships fester to the point where they poison our lives — it will make all of our lives healthier.

I love the 4^th of July holiday – largely because we have wonderful family “get togethers” that are a lot of fun (and we have done so for several years, which evoke a large number of fond memories for me.) And our family celebrations involve several traditions that I enjoy – being outside playing games (this year I was introduced to bocce), shooting fireworks, barbeque with great grilled meat, swimming and boating, and watching a large fireworks show (one of my great nieces asked “Why do we celebrate the Fourth of July with fireworks?” which led to a neat family discussion). So, almost always, the Fourth is a fun time (it was again this year!)

Celebrating the anniversary of our country’s Independence Day is also a great time to reflect on the numerous freedoms we have. This year I am especially aware of our freedoms in contrast to the lack of freedoms I have been exposed to in other countries.

• We have the freedom to live where we want. Yes, I live in Kansas and many people wonder why. Largely, our living in Kansas has to do with heritage and family proximity. But I love where I live – out in the country with trees, birds, wildlife, stars, and quiet. Good people. No traffic to speak of. Low property costs (which allows me to use my money on other things important to me.) And we are close enough to what we need and desire. (Being honest, the biggest downside of living in Kansas is the weather and lack of geographical features.) But if I wanted to move, I can (and have, previously living in the Chicago area, Phoenix, and Atlanta). Recently, I have become aware of reports from China where the government autocratically dictates that people must relocate. The government decides to build a new factory, to build a new dam for a river, and condemn the houses where people live. The people have no choice or recourse and they must move, with little, if any, compensation for their homes. Interestingly, several hundred thousand were reportedly displaced to build the Olympic stadium for this summer’s Olympic games, (quite an irony, obviously).
• We have the freedom to choose our own vocation. Although figuring out what we want to do with our lives vocationally is a huge challenge for young people in our country currently, it is a nice problem to have. Historically, individuals had little vocational choice due to the demands of economic survival and the cost of obtaining education or training (this is still true for the billions of people living at a subsistence level.) And in many countries, young people really have no meaningful choices for their careers – they either work as laborers in the local economy or they move to the local metropolis in search of higher paying jobs, and wind up taking whatever jobs are available (housecleaning, working in a factory). And in many countries, governmental regulations – along with the corruption and bribes needed – prohibit people from pursuing careers to meet the needs they see (not to mention the lack of economic resources).
• We have the freedom to speak our minds freely. Americans are known for “speaking their mind”, even if it is in ignorance. But, whether it is through the Internet, in personal conversations, writing an editorial to the newspaper, passing out leaflets or speaking at a public meeting, we have the freedom to share our thoughts, even if they differ from the current government authorities or from the majority culture. And we do not have to fear being imprisoned or for reprisal later (being visited after dark by the police or militia). I see the free flow of ideas and healthy discussion of different perspectives as a central process to our society monitoring itself. Recent reports from Zimbabwe and the essentially fake election there demonstrate freedom of speech (especially disagreement with the current government) is not respected there.
• We have the free to gather in groups publicly. This is obviously closely linked to the freedom of speech, but differs in an important way. If the populace becomes upset with some aspect of community life, we have the right to gather by the thousands, if we want, to make our voice known. Or we can gather to hear important speakers (less important in our age of technology), or meet to make plans of action.
• We have the freedom to choose our religious beliefs. Obviously, many of the early American settlers came to the country specifically for the desire of religious freedom — attempting to escape religious persecution (many Reformed Protestant groups such as the Pilgrims or Hutterites, or being forced to participate in the State-sanctioned religion [e.g. the Church of England]). Today religious persecution is rampant throughout the world; not only Islamic countries persecuting Christians such as Kazakhstan, Algeria, Yemen, and Tajikistan, but Muslims persecuting other Muslim sects throughout the Middle East, and the Hindu / Muslim conflict in India and Pakistan. Unfortunately, over the centuries Christians have also engaged in their own religious persecution as well (the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition).

But it occurred to me that our freedoms or closely related to, and deeply rooted in certain rights we have. I think one action step from this weekend is for me to reread the Bill of Rights (and at least summarize the points with my family). I am not big on “rights”, feeling many overemphasize their perceived individual “rights” without seeing the accompanying responsibilities that go with them. However, I am becoming increasingly attuned to the rights that we have as U.S. citizens, as dictated by our Constitution and Bill of Rights.

One foundational right I have become aware of is the right to own property. Hernando de Soto has written a wonderful book, The Mystery of Capitalism, which shows the necessity of owning property as the precursor for dealing with poverty in the developing world. If you cannot own property (not just land but any type of personal property), it inhibits your ability to be entrepreneurial and create business — because it can be taken away, and because you have no means of creating collateral to obtain a loan.

I am intrigued, however, to think through — what responsibilities go with the freedoms and rights that we have? That is, we have the right to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” (from the Declaration of Independence) — what responsibilities go with these rights?

I would love to hear your thoughts. (FYI - if you click on the title of this blog, it will connect you to a place where you can leave your comments; or you may go to www.drpaulwhite.com/blog and leave your comments there.)

Have a great week!

Fourth of July, Freedom, Gratitude, holidays, Responsibilities, Rights

Partly in reflecting on my own life this past week, I have become aware of different types of tiredness we may experience from time to time.

First, obviously, there is physical weariness, which can either come from hard physical labor (or exercise) or, more likely, from not sleeping enough. Some research suggests up to 40% of Americans are severely sleep deprived (and the percentage is higher for high school & college students). If you consistently wake up tired, become sleepy during the day, or fall asleep when you sit down for a few minutes, you probably need to get more sleep. What is the practical impact of not getting enough sleep? You will be less efficient in getting tasks done, you are more at risk for having an accident while driving, your immune system is weakened and you are more likely to become ill.

Secondly, there is emotional tiredness — just not having the emotional energy to do the things you need to. At its more extreme form, this is what we usually call burnout — your emotional gas tank is empty and you “don’t have any more to give”. Here are some common symptoms:

• you are easily irritated
• you work long hours but get less done
• you have difficulty focusing
• you are apathetic about getting things done
• you just generally don’t like your life
• you don’t want to be around people

Emotional tiredness is common after you have been pushing toward completing a big project, and you get it done. The emotional drain is greater when you are done but not pleased with the outcome, or the results weren’t what you were hoping for. Or burnout comes when you have been “giving” (in whatever form) over a long period of time, with more emotional resources going out than are coming in or being replenished. The well is dry and you don’t have anymore to give to anyone, potentially even yourself.

The third type of tiredness I think is important to mention is spiritual tiredness. We are spiritual beings and life is more than our bodies, more than work, and more than relating to others. There is a spiritual side to life that gives us purpose and meaning, and which helps us “make sense” of our lives and the world around us. We become spiritually tired, I think, when we don’t pay attention to the spiritual side of our life and we ignore it. We don’t take time to reflect or ponder; we are not living life with a sense of gratitude. We also become spiritually weary when we lose the sense of how our daily life activities relate to the bigger purpose of our life. We go through the motions of life, but don’t feel connected and have lost of sense of direction.

So what should we do if we are tired?

First, it would be wise to try to discern and identify the type(s) of tiredness you are experiencing.

Second, and this is difficult for those of us who are achievement-oriented (or a bit driven), is to acknowledge and accept that you are tired. It is one thing to generally identify the issue; it is another to accept the reality of one’s tiredness.

Finally, we need to take some actual action steps to deal with the issue. Perseverance is good, but obviously to continue to “keep going” when you are significantly tired can lead to exhaustion (physical, emotional, spiritual), and lots of negative consequences in our lives. Learn how to rest, take a vacation, or do tasks that are restorative.

After working through the weekend last week, and sort of “dragging” myself through this past week, I have had to do some things to help me “rest up” this weekend: I went to the pool and hung out with my wife and daughter; I caught a movie with one of my sons; I went for a couple of runs and a walk in nature; I allowed myself to just sit and enjoy a soccer game on TV; and I hung out with some friends. I almost feel back to “normal” (whatever that is).

As you look toward this holiday weekend, I would encourage you to stop and think beforehand — do you need some rest? what kind? And what would you like to do about it this weekend?

Have a great 4th of July!

On this Father’s Day, I thought I would reflect some on the lessons I learned from my grandfathers.

My Grandpa White was the only child in his family and his father died when my grandpa was 16 years old. As a result, he became in charge of the small family farm and the “man of the house” at that young age. I heard stories growing up how my grandfather was a creative problem-solver. For example, he set up a water supply system from the spring on the farm to a storage tank in the farmhouse. He also was frugal, but figured out how to get what the family needed with the limited money they had — he would buy slightly damaged apples at the general store (and cut out the bad spots) for a significant discount.

My Grandpa White lived closed by our home and I spent a fair amount of time with him while growing up (I was the youngest grandchild, however, and he died when I was in high school). Some of things I remember about him and the lessons I learned from observing him:

• Make do with what you have. My grandfather, like most who lived through the Depression, saved all kinds of things (but not obsessively so) — nuts, bolts, pieces of wire, scraps of wood — which he then would creatively use to fix or make needed items. The related lesson was to keep using what you have (by maintaining and fixing it) in contrast to buying a new one.
• Enjoy the simple things of life. I have vivid memories of my grandpa smiling and enjoying a ripe piece of watermelon on a Saturday evening in the backyard, or shaking his head in pleasure, saying, “Mmmm, mmm” when eating homemade vanilla ice cream.
• Do the job right. My grandfather had a reputation of building things to last. I remember some wooden benches he built to use at a picnic bench at our family’s lake cabin — and he used heavy pressure treated rough-sawn 2×12’s with mammoth 16d galvinized nails. They were so heavy, you let somebody else move them!
• Do what is right and don’t complain when others don’t. My grandfather had the reputation in our community of quietly doing the right thing, serving others, and not drawing attention to himself. Similarly, there were a number of external circumstances which occurred in his life that created significant challenges for his family — like the government buying the family farm during WWII for far less than it was worth (the farm was next to a new ammunition plant). But I never heard him complain or tell stories with a tone of bitterness.

My Grandfather Tripkos (my mom’s father; his father immigrated from Czechoslovakia in the late 1800’s) was also a farmer, in the “bottom lands” next to the Kansas River. Although I was not as close my Grandpa Trikpos, he also taught me life lessons through his example:

• Enjoy life. My Grandpa had an infectious laugh. He was smiling constantly. He was always telling or making jokes. And he loved to laugh at others’ jokes. He was just plain fun to be around.
• Make time for family. My family lived 20 minutes from most of the Tripkos side of the family (grandparents, aunts & uncles, cousins). But we frequently visited them (Saturday evenings, Sunday afternoons) and my Grandpa was in our home often, usually for meals. He often drove down for Sunday meals and was always there for major holidays. And I specifically remember pitching in a Little League All-Star game with grandpa there in the stands.

None of the lessons mentioned above are earth shaking — sort of like my grandfathers. They were solid men, not spectacular. They were faithful husbands and fathers for decades. They worked hard, provided for their families in spite of extraordinary life challenges (my Grandpa Tripkos’ farm and home were flooded during a major flood in 1951 — the family lost the home). But if I can live, and help my children live, with these lessons in our lives, that would be pretty good — solid, acceptable, just like the lessons themselves.

Much of life is not magic or spectacular. As one of my friends says, “Life is daily.”

And when we look at the goals so many of us have –

• to be healthy physically – in shape and not overweight;
• to be moving toward financial independence;
• to have healthy family relationships – in our marriage, with our children, and among our extended family –

many of these goals are largely the result of daily actions and taking time each week to devote to these goals.

Exercising a few times a week, eating healthy and in moderation, and getting enough sleep – moves us toward physical health.

Working hard, spending less than you earn, using what you have versus buying something new, saving regularly, investing wisely, and learning to be content in your circumstances – leads toward financial independence.

Similarly, there are some foundational habits that lead toward healthy relationships in families. And in my work every week I see both: a) families (or family members) who say they want healthy relationships but consistently do not make the choices necessary to bring about the health they desire; and b) families who have strong, warm relationships with one another as a result of habits and structures they have built into their lives over the years (and continue to do so.)

This is true for young couples, young families with children, middle-aged parents with teens or young adults, senior parents with adult children and grandchildren, wealthy families and those lesser financial means.

Let’s look at some of those patterns.

1. Spending regular time to be in touch with each other’s daily lives. This will look differently depending on the life stage of the family. It may mean talking or emailing a couple times a week (for families with children out of the home), eating dinner together regularly, taking walks together in the evening and catching up on the day’s events.

2. Having regular leisure time together. Again, the format will differ. This might mean going on a camping trip once a year. Doing leisure activities together occasionally – playing golf, fishing, going shopping, going to a concert, playing cards or a board game, or eating out together – hopefully an activity that allows for interaction during the event.

3. Taking time to have significant conversations about meaningful topics. It is difficult to have “deep” conversations spontaneously – the circumstances rarely work out right (the other person is distracted, there are kids around, someone interrupts the time, etc.) I find that people who want to have significant conversations with others plan for them. They think through what they want to talk about; they let the other person (or persons) know they would like to set aside some time to talk; and they schedule a time and an appropriate place.

It is important to note that this is true in a variety of relationships: couples; parents / kids & teens; senior adults and their adult children; and extended families (matriarch/patriarch to the rest of the family).

4. Being available to listen when others want to talk. (By the way, this is my biggest personal deficit area.) One of the key components to healthy relationships, seemingly especially with school-age children and teens, is being available when the other person has a need to share what is on their heart. This is one of the benefits of moms being home after school when kids get home, the “travel time” to / from school and activities, running errands together, cooking meals together, or working on projects together.

Unfortunately, most of us who are in the parent role tend to focus more on what we want to communicate to our kids, and often do not ask enough questions and just listen (guilty as charged).

5. Working through tensions, miscommunication, and conflict. Healthy families realize that no one is perfect, that miscommunications happen, it best to work to resolve a conflict rather than avoid it, and forgiving others when you have been wronged works a lot better than holding a grudge. So much hurt, pain, and damaged relationships could be avoided if families would realize that problems occur in family relationships and it is best to take proactive steps to deal with them.

If I could make one request from many of the families that I meet (often in passing) – do yourself and your family a favor: build some foundational habits and structures in your family’s life that will foster healthy, close relationships that you will enjoy for years. I will close with a number of specific action steps you could take (depending on your life stage):

• Sit down at the dinner table at least 3 times a week and eat dinner together, including some conversation about your day.
• Hang out with your kids, either in their room or in your bedroom, at the end of the day and chat about the day.
• Take a walk with your spouse after dinner and hear about their day.
• Call or email your college-age or young adult and ask them what they are looking forward to in the coming weeks.
• Schedule a family gathering for the extended family to get together, share a meal and hang out (keep it simple; it is more likely to happen, and don’t make it mandatory that everyone is able to attend before you schedule it.)
• Have an annual family meeting to communicate how the business has done this past year, what new projects came about, challenges encountered, and the plans for this coming year (keep it global and topical, don’t share specific financial information.)
• Offer to help your adult child on a project they need help on. Let them run the project; don’t offer unasked for advice, and just be their helper.
• Think of your own application of these principles, and write it down here: __________________________________________.

Have fun!