We are in the midst of the season for graduations (high school and college), weddings, family gatherings and the beginning of summer vacation.  These life transition events, in combination with getting together with friends and family, allow us to check and see “how things are going” in our life, our marriage, our family and possibly, our career.

This past weekend, our family (my wife and I, our four adult children, a spouse and a fiancé) had the opportunity to gather together  – all of us (a rare event these days) – to celebrate the graduation of one of my sons.  [Another son graduated last weekend, which we also celebrated but not everyone could attend both.]  So we all descended into Texas from various parts of the country and we spent a couple of days together.  It was an opportunity to observe and hear how we all are doing:  individually, as separate family units and as an extended family group.

This type of time and interaction can help to bring focus on what really is important and raises some questions:  Am I spending my time and energy on things that are important and lasting?  Do I worry too much about things in life that are really not that important?  Did we choose well when our children were younger?  (Parenting is a difficult pathway because the timeframe for feedback about choices and patterns is such a long time in coming.)

Let me share a few observations from our family time together.

First, we are truly blessed — and in many ways that have little to do with our choices.  We are healthy, we live in a land of peace, we have had the opportunity to pursue quality education in our fields of interest, and all of our physical needs are met.  While all of these are not true for all families, most families here in the U.S. have much to be thankful for.  Focusing on what you do have, rather than what you don’t, provides an excellent foundation for contentment.  (We all can think of things or opportunities that others around us have that we don’t.  Focusing on these can lead to envy, jealousy and a general discontentment with life.)

Secondly, it is a joy to enjoy being with one another. How this happens, I am not totally sure, but I do know that it is rooted in the perspective of thinking of others as well as yourself (which my wife did an excellent job of teaching our children.)  When individuals are considerate of others and are not primarily focused on what they want or desire, relationships tend to be less conflictual.  We had a lot of fun, and laughed a lot!

A third observation is this: Many things that families spend time and energy on today will not be very important in the years to come. While our children were involved in different sports and other group activities, the level of involvement today for most families is far more costly than the benefits that they will bring in the future.  We didn’t play sports together this weekend.  We didn’t talk about our past coaches, teammates, personal accomplishments or tournaments won.  (Neither did we care what “level” one another got on various video games.)  But we did talk about long-term family friends and what they are doing, we told stories about past individual and family events, we found out what is going on is each person’s life — and we laughed a lot.

We didn’t talk about what kind of cars our friends were driving, what vacations other families are going on (or did in the past), which schools friends got into or what awards they received.  But we did talk about each of our own current career paths, what we are learning, what enjoy about our work (whether paid or not), and thoughts and plans about the future – and how these intersected with friendships, family relationships and our lifestyle choices.

So, as you attend a relative’s or friend’s graduation or wedding, and as you get together with friends and family, take a moment to observe what lasts over time.  Then take some time to do a mental checklist of what you are choosing to spend your time and energy on.

Is it an investment that will bring lasting rewards in the years to come?

This weekend we had the pleasure of having all of our adult children plus our new daughter-in-law home for Thanksgiving. As those who have multiple adult children, this is no easy feat (and can be an infrequent occurrence). So, our twin 27 year old sons, one who is in the Army stationed about two hours away, one who lives locally; our 24 year old son and his wife who live in Texas; and our 19 year old daughter who is in college — all were home for part of the weekend. (This is a key concept — not everyone can make it for the whole time, and that is okay. They have other important things in their lives.)

We had been planning the holiday weekend for a while (key phrase: planning for a while) and requested (key word) that our kids come home, if possible. We were pleased that they were able to work out the arrangements and chose (key word) to do so. So the family value reflected is: importance of nuclear family relationships, as reflected by choosing to spend time together.

On Thanksgiving Day itself, there were two important parts that happened. First, we reinforced the importance of gratitude and thankfulness by having each person share an important part of their live for which they were thankful. Not rocket-science but this practice, especially when modeled and repeated over several years, can imbed significant memories in family members’ minds. Secondly, we had an international graduate student friend share the meal and evening with us. In various years, we have had local friends with no family around, international students, single friends, and young couples join us for family and holiday gatherings. Hospitality and sharing with others is important to us.

Additionally, on Saturday our family traveled to my hometown (about two hours away) to visit my mother, siblings and their spouses, some of my nephews and their children. We shared a meal together, visited their homes, and sat around and talked, giving updates to what has been going on in our lives. Although it was a relatively quick trip (up and back in one day), we concluded that some time was better than no time. Part of our goals was to communicate that extended family relationships are important. And I am thankful for the willingness and positive attitudes our children chose to demonstrate.

Although there are other aspects of our family gatherings and holidays which could be expanded upon, let me briefly share three others that strike me as important from this weekend.

First, prior to the weekend holiday, my wife contacted each family member and asked them what food they would especially like to have to eat for Thanksgiving. With seven of us, we wound up having quite a spread: turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, traditional bread stuffing, cornbread dressing, corn, a familiar green bean casserole, cranberry salad, pumpkin pie, pecan pie, apple pie, whipped cream AND ice cream! The point? My wife wanted to make sure everyone felt valued and their unique desires were attended to.

A second family tradition we continued this weekend was a family shooting contest (shooting clay pigeons in a friend’s field with shotguns). This tradition connects to my family’s past heritage — my father, uncles and grandfather would hunt for food when they were growing up. And we have held informal shooting competitions for years — so there are a number of family stories generated from these experiences. The specific event isn’t that important . Many families have different things they do together — go shopping on the day after Thanksgiving; go to college football games together; play board games. . . The important aspect, I think, is having shared life experiences that serve as the context for relationships to be built.

Finally, the importance of serving and helping one another was demonstrated in a couple of specific instances. On Friday, we went to one of my son’s homes and helped him in the remodeling he is doing and also the whole family banded together and “attacked” his lawn — raking up several bags of leaves. As the saying goes, “many hands make light work”. Then on Saturday at my mother’s, a number of us worked together on a few projects around the house. The work together provided time to talk and “catch up” as well as build some bonds — feeling good about working together to accomplish a task.

Let me finish by saying that these events did not come without cost — people giving up some of their time to do other things that they would have preferred (watching football, playing video games, hanging out with friends or texting). But that is what “values” are — they are activities and choices that a person makes because they value the activity (or result of the activity) more than some other choice they could have made.

Prior to the upcoming holidays, I would encourage you to try to do a little planning and see what activities you can orchestrate that may reinforce beliefs and values which are important to you. The results in your family can be powerful.

P.S. I am aware this entry can sound a bit idealistic. Our family isn’t like the Waltons or Little House on the Prairie (or some other idealized family). We clearly have our challenges — ask my wife and kids. But we did generally have a good time together this weekend.

1. My wedding anniversary. As of September 1, my lovely wife, Kathy, and I have been married 31 years. So it’s not one of those “special” years, but this year does seem special — partially, I think, because all four of our adult children are “out and about”. Plus, Kathy and I are enjoying our relationship more than we have in several years. So celebrating our life together seems appropriate. Finally, we realized (it takes a while for things to sink in sometimes) that we have been married a long time when one of our younger friends said to us: “You were married before I was born!”

2. Completion of my book. Some of you may know that I have been working on a project for about four years which has led to the writing and publishing of a book. Earlier this week, Dr. Gary Chapman (author of the NY Times #1 bestseller, 5 Love Languages) and I completed the manuscript of our book — 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace: Empowering Organizations by Encouraging People. It is going to the publisher for editing now, and won’t be released until next summer (July 2011), but this was a major milestone for us. There is still much to be done — we are developing training resources for businesses and organizations — but now we can say, “The book is done!” (You can be sure I will sure more about the book and related activities in the future.)

So, rejoice with us — and have a great week!

But sometimes we have a hard time communicating with each other. It is not that we don’t try, or that one of us doesn’t want to understand. But occasionally (I think it is only occasionally), one of us just doesn’t “get” what the other person is saying. I will admit that the person in our relationship that doesn’t “get it” most often is usually me.

She is trying to communicate something and I’m listening. I’m nodding like I understand. I feedback to her what she just said. And I may get the words right, but it is clear to her (sometimes, also to me) that I am not really understanding what she is trying to say. Even now, I think of conversations where I am nodding, “Yea, yea”, and then all-of-a-sudden I get ‘fogged’. “Whoa, wait a minute. You lost me there. I got point A, and point B, but then I’m not sure where you went from there.” And she tries again, with different words, but I find myself wincing and squinting, shaking my head side-to-side and just generally being confused.

Recently, we had this experience again. She was sharing about some challenges in our relationship, and I’m listening. But I am not getting it. And she is getting frustrated with herself that she can’t communicate her thoughts, feelings and experiences in a way that I understand what she is trying to say.

Ok, so I am a psychologist. And I am supposed to be this expert in human interactions — relationships, communication, feelings, and all that. This isn’t supposed to happen to me or in my marriage. (Wrong.)

So we agreed to try an experiment — some creative problem-solving, if you will. Since we have had this experience at least a few times, and seem to get stuck at the same place, we agreed we need to try something different. We are going to try to communicate these thoughts & feelings differently.

Here’s some things we are going to try (or, at least, consider as options):

Write it down. Sometimes people are better able to communicate more clearly when they write down their thoughts. This allows them to review what they have written and see if it really expresses what they are trying to say. It also slows down the interaction so the receiver doesn’t respond right away and you get into a quick interchange, which can lead to heightened emotions or getting off track.

Draw a picture. Drawing a picture of how you are feeling now, and possibly a picture of how you would like things to be may “break through” and help the person see the situation differently. It can be an actual drawing of the situation, or a “feeling picture” that represents what you are experiencing inside.

Use a word picture. Use some daily life situation that can serve as an example of what you are thinking. “It’s like cooking. You have the ingredients. You put them together, but not in the right order. And so the cake doesn’t turn out right.”

The best kinds of word pictures are those using examples and experiences most familiar to the recipient of the message. If you are trying to get your husband to understand something, use objects and processes that are part of his life — sports, fishing, planning a project at work, food, mechanics, computers — whatever it is.

Find some media (song, book poem, video clip) that says or shows what you are trying to communicate. This could be tough, but there are media examples out there that communicate our internal experience better than what we can say ourselves. It could be a song (Carole King’s “You’re So Vain” comes to mind!), or a passage from a book (keep it short), a poem (don’t get too metaphorical), or a clip from a movie (this could be good if the guy doesn’t infer too much from the rest of the movie).

You may have other suggestions. I’m open to ideas. We will see how it goes (I’ll let you know if we have a major breakthrough).

I think the encouraging part is — we keep trying. We know each other is trying. We aren’t giving up (yet) on trying to communicate. Maybe it’s me as an individual person. Maybe it’s because I’m a guy. Maybe it’s just tough for men and women to fully understand each other. Maybe it is something else. We haven’t figured it out yet. I will let you know if / when we do.

When thinking about the title of this entry, I was indecisive about whether it should be “To a Great Man of Character” or “To a Man of Great Character”. Obviously, I chose the latter — for two reasons. First, in the world’s eyes I don’t know if Spence Sawyer would be characterized as a “great man” — in the general terms of incredible success professionally or in terms of raw talent. Although he was talented in several areas and he was also quite successful in his profession, most who knew Spence focused on who he was as a person. So, the second reason I chose this title is because almost everyone who knew Spence would agree he was a man of “great character”. It was his character that impacted others, and most who knew him (including myself) found themselves wanting to emulate him.

Spence Sawyer died this week at the age of 78. He was born and raised in the suburbs of west Chicago and spent most of his adult life in this area, with a few years early in his professional life living in New Jersey while commuting to New York City. He was the father of seven children, whom he mentored and helped each obtain a private college education (no small feat financially, regardless of the era).

I want to highlight just a few of the character qualities that I first thought of when reflecting on Spence’s life:

Responsible. Responsibility was at the core of Spence’s being — shouldering the responsibility of leading his family and guiding his children, from childhood through adolescence and into their adult lives; taking responsibility to provide leadership in most of the organizations he was committed to (his church, his company [he worked for Illinois Bell and AT&T for forty years], the college he and many of his family members attended), and just in general daily life. If Spence saw something that needed to be done, he would make sure it got done.

Faithful. In his personal relationships, Spence was faithful to his wife, Ruth, of over 50 years, his children, grandchildren and his friends. Spence was “Mr. Reliable”. If he made a commitment, he kept it. You never had to wonder if he was going to show up; he was always there. He followed through on commitments made — in fact, you would never think of Spence not following through. He was rock solid. You wanted him on your team — and he was sought out by organizations because they knew he would help you achieve your goals.

Investing in others. I’m not sure of the best way to put this, or of a good singular term, but Spence gave his life in the service of others. He was not self-promoting. He did not seek positions of leadership — he was seen as a leader and asked to take leadership positions by those around him. After his retirement in the 90′s, he spent much of his time and energy meeting with others — teaching, mentoring, listening and encouraging. Interestingly, because of some early life experiences that impacted him significantly, Spence was reluctant to give advice to others — even when asked. But if you cornered him, you could get him to help you frame the problem and think through the issues you needed to consider. (The result of his investing in others will be seen next week at his memorial service where 800-900 people are expected to honor him and share in the celebration of his life.)

Laughter. From the previous descriptors, one might conclude that Spence was a stern, stodgy, “all work and no play” kind of guy. Nothing could be further from the truth. Spence was one of the best story- and joke-tellers I have ever known, and he loved to laugh. In fact, one of my favorite memories is sitting with him at the kitchen table, having a bowl of ice cream and he would start telling some of the funniest stories I have ever heard. The problem was, he would start tearing up and laughing before he finished the joke — and you found yourself laughing and crying just because he was (and you weren’t exactly sure why)!

There are lots of other personal qualities that characterized Spence, some of which were so ingrained in who he was that you couldn’t think of him not exhibiting them (honesty, integrity, generosity). He was a man of deep spirituality who loved the God he served and who has left a legacy in the lives of those who knew him — that will endure for years to come. I know that I have been deeply impacted by his input into my life and I will miss him dearly. I had the privilege of knowing him for over 30 years, as the father of my wife. His leaving the life on this earth has caused me to seriously reflect on my life and my priorities.

I hope that I will also become a man of great character.

We need to recognize that families go through a variety of life stages, with different needs at each stage. And the demands and parameters of daily life vary significantly. Think about what life is like when you:

• Are in college, or a single young adult.
• Are newly married, early in your career, without children.
• Have 2-3 children, ages birth to four years old.
• Have 3 children, ages six to twelve, and both parents are working outside of the home.
• Are parents of preteens and high school students.
• Have some children in college and some at home.
• Have daughters-in-law’s and sons-in-law, with some of your children living in other parts of the country.
• Have become empty-nesters, and eventually grandparents.

It is hard to imagine a family tradition that could survive and be really appropriate for family members across all of these life stages (with the possible exception of special foods served at holiday meals). That is why most family traditions die over time — they no longer “fit” with where the family is currently. So it really seems necessary for families to create (or revise) family traditions over time, if the family is going to continue to have traditions they celebrate.

We may want to review why having traditions is important?  What is the big deal?  On the one hand, I could argue, they really aren’t that big of a deal — they aren’t directly related to the survival of anyone or the family.  On the other hand, I believe traditions are important for a number of reasons.

Traditions:

• Create a sense of togetherness among family members.
• Provide a context by which family memories are made and can be recalled (“remember when you were little, we used to … “)
• Become an avenue through which you can teach important values (e.g. going as a family on a service project together).
• Give a sense of stability and predictability to a family, which children both need and desire.
• Generate positive emotional energy within a family through a sense of anticipation of the event, and also gratitude for the energy expended to make the event occur.
• Develop a pathway of transferring family history, values and stories across generations (“When I was growing up, our family . . . “)

Let me give you some examples of traditions we have created within our family over the years.

Opening Christmas presents.  When our children were little, we devised a strategy to manage the pressure of them wanting to open Christmas presents (which were already under the tree) on Christmas eve.  Rather than facing constant and repeated questions (“Can’t we just …), we came upon the plan of me [dad] giving the family a present to open on Christmas eve.  Every year it was a game that we could play together that evening.  So it accomplished a number of goals:  a) decreased the demands to open presents;  b) provided a family activity for us to do together; and c) helped us develop quite a storehouse of games to be used throughout the year!

Giving gifts to charities and educating the family about the charity.  Several years ago, when my siblings and our families gathered together to exchange gifts at my parents’ home, we decided that we didn’t need to give each other small, and sometimes not very meaningful gifts, just out of habit. We were having our own families, didn’t need the extra expense, and the time and energy to shop for one another (even after we had reduced it to drawing names to just give one present) didn’t seem worth it.  So we agreed to start a new gift giving tradition.  That each year one sibling and our spouse would choose a charity; we would provide information about the organization and the services they provided, and then the siblings gave money to that charity instead of buying gifts. (This was a time-limited tradition which went away as our families grew larger and we no longer meet together to exchange gifts across the extended family.)

A new holiday meal.  In deference to my friend, Dr. Gary Chapman, and his book The Five Love Languages, I would propose that there is a separate love language for teenage boys — food. (Anyone else who has had three teenage boys knows what I mean.)  This is especially true for our middle son, Joel.  A number of years ago, when Joel was in high school, he proposed that we start a new tradition, a Christmas eve meal of barbeque meatballs, fries, salad, and brownies for dessert.  His brothers, sister, and dad all thought this sounded like a good idea — and in exchange for help in making the meal, mom agreed to the new tradition, which we enjoy to the present.

A family story-telling event.  When we moved into our home over fourteen years ago, we started a tradition focused on our new, large fireplace.  We call it “The First Fire”.  Every year, as the weather gets colder, we pick a night to build our first fire in the fireplace.  We start it without newspaper (only using really small pieces of wood) and try to start it with just one match.  After the fire is going, we turn out all the lights, sit around the fire and eat some wintry munchies (popcorn, hot cider, hot chocolate, make s’mores).  And then we tell family stories.  Kathy and I tell stories about our families when we were growing up, and even stories that our parents told us about their childhood. And then we tell stories about each child, when they were little.  (The siblings all chime in with their own memories and stories of one another.)  It really is a delightful time.  We will have to see if the tradition continues or how it may morph into a new form, since our children are all at college or out on their own now.

There are other traditions I could share (Fourth of July celebrations, vacation sites we went to repeatedly for years, birthday traditions, New Year’s traditions), but that is enough for now.

As we approach the Christmas and New Year’s holidays, when most families gather together, I would encourage you to think about your current (or possibly past) traditions that you want to keep going or rekindle.  And also think about possible new traditions that you may want to start.

Here are a couple of lessons we have learned in starting new traditions:

1. There needs to be a leader, someone who leads out and take charge.  Just throwing out an idea (“Maybe we should . . .”  or “What do you think about .  .  . “), doesn’t make it happen.
2. Having more than one family member involved and committed raises the probability of getting started.  Trying to start a family tradition by yourself doesn’t usually work.  There needs to be “buy in” from one or two others (depending on the size of your family) to sustain the energy needed to overcome inertia, and to “get it done”.
3. Don’t wait for everyone  to get excited about the idea in order to start. Having unanimous agreement or excitement is probably an unrealistic expectation (especially if you have teenagers!)  It is okay for someone to not really be that excited about the idea initially.  But usually, if it is a decent idea and implemented adequately, family members “come along” and often later admit they enjoyed the time.

Whatever you do together as a family over the coming weeks, do it and enjoy one another!

May God bless you and your time together over the holidays.

But as we have shared about our milestone with others, we have been asked quite a few times:  “What are the ‘secrets’ to being married that long?”  I started to reflect on the question and came up with a few thoughts in response that I thought I would share.

• Marry the right person.  This may sound strange — and doesn’t really help those who are already married –but marrying a person who has the foundational character qualities that are needed for maintaining a long term relationship is key.  Two come to mind (there are many, obviously) — 1) avoid someone who is easily offended and 2) a person who holds grudges.  Both make it really difficult to forgive.  The first (being easily offended) means the person is going to have to forgive you a lot over the future decades.  And the second (holding grudges) means that they have a hard time “letting go” of offenses, which undermines the ability to maintain a close long term relationship. Most of us are blinded by infatuation and physical attraction when we are looking for someone to marry.  Some of us are (or were) just young and clueless.  So finding the right person under those circumstances is largely due to God’s grace in our lives.  But if you are still looking for a spouse, be sure and look for the true qualities you desire. (On the other hand, don’t be looking for Prince Charming or ‘The Perfect Woman’ — they don’t exist in reality.)

• Both individuals need to become good at forgiving.  Throughout the months, years and decades of your marriage, you will screw up a lot; and your spouse will make a lot of mistakes, so it is critical for both parties to be able and willing to forgive one another.  I truly don’t know of any other way to make a long term relationship work — practicing forgiveness is key.  There are a lot of misconceptions about forgiveness — that you have to ‘forget’ what happened to be able to forgive; that forgiveness means what happened really didn’t matter or hurt; or that what the person did ‘wasn’t that big of a deal’ — none of which are true.  Forgiveness is essentially “letting go” and not holding the offense against the person any longer.  Easy to say, but a process which can take a long time to enact. [A great book on this issue is The Art of Forgiving by Lewis Smedes.]
• Learn (and then practice) the ways that your spouse experiences being loved.  For a long time (I mean 25 years or so) Kathy and I struggled.  She was frustrated with me, not feeling like I cared for or about her.  And I didn’t feel like she appreciated me.  Then we read Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, and began to understand that each of us experiences being loved differently.  Kathy’s ‘love language’ is having focused attention and quality time; mine is verbal praise.  Once we understood our differences, and have worked at loving each other in the languages important to us (it has taken me longer than Kathy), then our frustrations have diminished.  Although the concepts of this book are pretty simple and not ‘magic’, they helped us get over a barrier in our relationship.
• Work on your relationship.  “Working on your relationship”, to me, means — make your marriage a priority.  You have to spend time, invest mental and emotional energy, be willing to spend money on your relationship — and say “no” to other things (hobbies, work, other relationships, leisure activities, activities with or for the kids).  Although I rarely looked forward to a marriage seminar or retreat (being honest), I almost always felt like there was significant benefit from going.  And I get tired of reading books on marriage, but I continue to glean helpful concepts and hints to make me a better husband.  Anything that you want to be of good quality takes time and effort.
• Be committed to stay married even when it’s tough and you don’t like your spouse.  Sometimes I feel ‘commitment’ is overly emphasized in weddings and advice to young couples — to the point that it seems that the only thing needed to stay married is commitment (which I don’t believe is true).  But, if you ask most couples who have been married a long time, the rock bottom foundation of being committed to staying married, no matter how tough it gets, has been true for them.  And it is true for us.  We have had times where it seemed it would have been easier (and less painful) to just call it quits.  And there were times where we really didn’t like each other much, and didn’t enjoy our relationship.  But we were committed to make it work, and to this point we have been able to do so. [An ASIDE:  I clearly believe that there are circumstances when it probably doesn't make sense and can be dangerous to stay in a relationship -- when there is drug or alcohol abuse, or anger and abuse issues.  Being committed doesn't mean you should be foolish.]
• Give up trying to change your spouse (the “if only …” game).  Part of the ability to keep together (and get past those really tough times) comes with the true acceptance of the other person for who they are.  And even if it would be good for them to change for certain habits or to “grow” in character (patience, perseverance, follow-through, impulse control, you name it) — accepting that they may never change reduces a lot of conflict.  And yes, life would be better “if only …”, but “if only …” may not happen and you certainly aren’t going to make it happen in their life for them.  So accept the reality that your spouse is a flawed individual and that it would be helpful if you learn to live with them the way they are.
• Miscellaneous parting thoughts.   There are lots more principles — that is why there are so many books on marriage.  But I want to get on with my day, so let me just finish with some additional short comments.

1. Be thankful — for your life, for your spouse, for your family.
   
2. Learn to enjoy activities that you can do together.  Do things with your spouse that they enjoy — go along with them just because they like it.
3. Live within your means.  Financial stress from overextending your lifestyle creates additional unnecessary stress that can undermine your relationship.
4. Realize life is hard.  Enjoy the good times and persevere through the difficult ones.

Have a great week.  And if you are fortunate enough to be married — give your spouse a big hug and kiss sometime today.

What made it especially enjoyable was reconnecting with each family member — seeing how they are still the same person they were a few years ago, how the younger family members have changed and developed their unique abilities, and hearing about plans for the future (it was also fun to retell some funny incidents from past gatherings). But what was most fun for me was to play together (or watch others play).  We played whiffleball (where I experienced the classic American tradition of pulling a muscle while running from first base to second).

Some enjoyed just “hanging out” together, but we all delighted in the homemade ice cream.

Just a couple of observations I want to note.  Although family reunions seem to have a negative connotation in our culture, I believe they can be a wonderful celebration of loving relationships, caring for one another, and the heritage of one’s family.  As part of the Sawyer clan, we are blessed to having loving parents, siblings, in-law’s, and cousins — and it is a joy to feel supported in your life’s journey as well as give encouragement to others.

Family reunions provide an opportunity to reflect on how we are the same — our common values, similar talents, and how we look alike (well, how they look alike).

But we also are able to see and celebrate how we are different — from different generations, how individual families differ, and the unique giftings each person has. It seems that healthy families value their commonalities but also cherish the uniqueness of each person.

As we often talk about the importance of ongoing communication and relationships among families who own businesses, it is clear that getting together as a large family unit is important, valuable and enjoyable whether or not a shared business is involved or not.

If you haven’t had a large family gathering in a while, think about planning one.  Start with whoever can attend (don’t wait for everyone to be able to come — it will rarely happen).  Keep it short.  Have good food.  And play together.  It can be a great time!

It is interesting to me to observe the different perspectives different age groups bring to the graduation process. (Although the following observations are broad generalizations, I think they are true for many in each age group.)

• High School graduates seem to be largely focused on “getting done”. They view the process of completing high school as a significant long term task to complete — it is the culmination of twelve (or more) years of elementary and secondary education. Given that most high school students are looking toward college or some other form of further training, they often are looking forward to the future with anticipation (mixed with some anxiety, depending on the student).
• College graduates are glad to be done, for sure. But they more typically are facing the harsh realities of “real life” — trying to find a job, determining the next steps in their lives (not only where they will work, but where they will live). There generally seems to be a deeper sense of accomplishment than with high school graduates, as it should be.  Some college grads busted through in four (sometimes three) years, while others took five years. For others, it truly has been a long term goal stretched over several years or decades. College graduates seem to exude a deep appreciation along with a measured hope for the future.
• Older family members (aunts, uncles, grandparents, older siblings) usually are filled with pride for the accomplishment of the younger family member. Their experience seems to be mellower, just enjoying the moment and appreciating the time together with family. With older siblings there is a fair amount of teasing of their younger brothers and sisters, in a good natured way, but one which also seems to communicate “Don’t get too stuck on yourself. There’s more life to conquer.”
• Parents are the ones who seem to experience the widest range of feelings and emotions — pride, relief, sadness, anxiety about the future, gratefulness for one less tuition payment. And reflection. In listening to many parents’ conversations, they often are reflective on the past few years’ life experiences, and sometimes on the child’s entire lifetime.

Interestingly, it is this process of reflection that has caught my attention. Both for myself, for other friends who are parents, and for many family members (aunts, uncles, siblings, grandparents), graduation ceremonies and the traditions which accompany them seem to bring back numerous memories. These memories include their own graduation and school experiences, prior family members’ graduations, and their life experiences with the graduate.

Not an earthshaking observation, but it does seem that “ceremonies” help mark points in time. Graduations, weddings, anniversaries, birthday parties — all provide a memory touchstone that we can connect memories, feelings, and lessons of life to.

And this can be a great starting point for meaningful conversations with others. Questions like: “Grandma, what was your high school graduation like?”  Or, “What do you remember about your college graduation?” can be great ways to learn more deeply about those you love.

For me, the graduation time has been a helpful reminder to ask myself:

a) Am I investing my time and energy into those activities and relationships that I really want to — that are most important to me? and

b) What do I want (and need) to do to continue to build the relationships that I want to keep close and growing?

A lesson I have learned from having three of our four children move into young adulthood — maintaining and growing relationships with young adults takes time, perseverance, and commitment. You no longer have “dinner time” to catch up on the day’s activities and you don’t tend to have them in the car as much just running errands together and chatting. So I am in the midst of planning how to maintain and build the relationships with all four of my young adult children as they move into new phases of their lives.

For those of you who don’t know, we live out in the country surrounded by trees.  There are 8-10 homes in our area, with woods (currently very dry woods) in between homes.
Around 11:30 p.m., my daughter, Lizz, came into our room and said she thought she heard gunshots and then sirens.  Just then the phone rang and the wife of the leader of the county firefighters in our area called saying our neighbor’s house was engulfed in flames; she asked that we call our neighbors so we could all take preventative steps — it has been extremely dry with fire warnings posted; and the wind was blowing 25-30 mph.

We looked out our bedroom window and saw huge flames and an orange glow (about a quarter of a mile away), and then saw ashes and glowing embers coming down and settling into the trees next to our home.  After calling our neighbors, we kicked into emergency mode — getting the hoses going, loading up our cars with our computers and some other belongings, and then scouring the woods for any additional fires.

In actuality, we found a fire that had started in the top of a tree in the woods and directed the firefighters to it, where they had to carry portable tanks to put it out.  The “neighborhood” was out and shared our own personal stories of when we heard or saw the fire.  It is unclear how the fire started and the family actually was out of town.  Their home was totally burned to the ground and it was reported that their cars essentially were melted.

It then started to rain (we haven’t had rain for several weeks) which obviously lowered the risk for secondary fires starting; and the firefighters had the house fire under control.

When trying to go to sleep, I then reviewed how we did in our emergency response and what I would do differently.  I learned a few practical things — I need to take some practical steps so I can shoot water higher on the roof; and we need some other resources to get water up on the higher levels of our home.

In reviewing the experience, Kathy and I felt like we managed the situation well and discussed what belongings we would have gathered next (a few sets of clothes, our personal tax documents for this year, and family history photo albums that we don’t have electronic versions of the pictures).

All in all, we were extremely thankful for God’s protection of our home and of our neighbors’.  Additionally, in thinking about the neighbors who lost their home, the temporal nature of our belongings was emphasized to us — and caused us to think about those aspects of our lives that endure — family, friends, our character, and the freedoms and opportunities we have each day.

If you haven’t recently, I would encourage you to think through your own emergency plan – and to be thankful for what you have and your personal safety.

Have a good week!